Oh man. So this guy actually changed his profile to show that he is 55 (when I’m right, I’m right!) and “Currently Separated”…. which he totally should have done BUT it makes me a little nervous because, you know, did someone read this blog, figure out who he is and let him know that I’m anonymously trashing him on the worldwide interweb? Or worse, did he somehow stumble upon it and realize it was about him? Yikes.
Me: “Shit! Maybe my anxiety about this poor fella is an indication from GOD that I shouldn’t be anonymously trashing other (unsuspecting) people’s online dating profiles on my blog. It may be hilarious, but it is not very, ummm, nice.”
Also Me: “Are you fucking serious? Why else would God have given you the ability to write, access to a blog, ten years of largely unsuccessful (whatever that means…) and occasionally outrageous online dating experiences and a shitty disposition? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Violet.”
Me: “Excellent point. This isn’t a self-indulgent blog, it’s a mission from God.”
I’m sure you’ve read my “Aboot” page by now (and yes, I know it says “aboot” instead of “about” and no, I’m not Canadian. I just like to say that word, “aboot”.) and my post about the time I invented online dating, so you’re pretty clear on how I’m totally qualified to pick apart online dating profiles and act all superior and jaded and snarky.
Well, I am totally qualified. And, obviously, jaded + super snarky.
Anyway….. Shall we begin?
Back when I invented online dating, I was super naive and I generally had to actually meet a man in person to notice the huge red “douchebag” flag waving over his head (or meet him, sleep with him, date him for years and then marry him, but that is a different story) but now I’m an expert and I can pretty much flush them out based solely on their dating profile.
Well, the obvious douchebags, anyway.
One of the most entertaining kinds of douchebags is the “I’ve found myself and I’m TOTALLY impressed by Me”- douchebag. These guys are generally in their mid-40’s to mid-50’s, are recently (or, like the guy below, NOT) divorced, are obsessed with their physique, have discovered some form of “spirituality” (in quotes because my definition of spirituality involves a little more humility than most of these douchebags), and have become convinced that they are truly God’s gift to women. Especially significantly younger women.
Behold the profile intro of one such “Totally Impressed with Myself”-douchebag:
NOTE: This guy identifies himself as a 53 year old divorced man living in a fairly exclusive neighborhood just outside the Denver metro area. He put up 4 pictures — two black and white and two in full color, all of the exact same shot of his smug face. I grudgingly had to give him points for NOT putting up pictures of his house/car/motorcycle/muscles/ex-girlfriends, but then I was forced to take them all away for putting up 4 of the exact same picture, douchebag.
Things went downhill from there.
BEGIN TRANSLATION (the douchebag’s words are in italics…):
And who are you? Someone who gets me …and you are someone whom I feel the same:
Translation: That was a rhetorical question….I don’t care who you are, as long as you worship me. Plus, I don’t know how to use punctuation or proofread.
If you have never done landmark education or something silimar, you probably won’t get me.
Translation: I’m in a cult. If you are not in the cult, you aren’t going to “get” me. Plus, I’m not familiar with the rules of capitalization, which is fine because the rules don’t apply to me or anyone else in my cult.
If you are not physicall attractive, slim, beautiful, honor your body, love adventure and possess an unstoppable passion for living full on, you probably won’t get me.
Translation: What I’m really trying to say is that if you’re not gorgeous and skinny and perky all of the time, you won’t “get” me. It would also be great if you don’t know how to spell and aren’t detail oriented, like me.
If you don’t value great wine, engaged conversations, romantic sunsets and sunrises, the stars at night, and a butt kicking workout at RedRocks…..you probably won’t get me.
Translation: I say that I’m 53, but it’s more likely that I am at least 55 and I’m pretending that I’m 30-something. For example, I’m a total hipster, evidenced by the fact that I’m advertising that I “work out” at Red Rocks [which most people spell “Red Rocks”, not “RedRocks”]– which means I run up and down the stairs of an amphitheater with all the other hipsters — not for the exercise, but to show how hipster I am. I’m lucky that I haven’t had a heart attack, as far as you know. As part of my hipster persona, I act like I know a lot about “great wine” and “engaged conversations”, but the truth is that I prefer to drink Viagra-laced PBR and don’t really believe in “conversation”, per se. I mean, I LOVE to talk about myself and everything that I’ve discovered about myself and how awful and unenlightened my (almost) ex-wife is, but then I would just like you to not-talk, unless you’re telling me where the bedroom is or what a great lover I am. Mostly I want to point out how fucking unique I am — who else “values” sunrises, sunsets and stars at night? Hardly anyone, as far as I can tell.
However, if any of those things do resonate with you…then just perhaps there is a possiblity we could change the world together….
Translation: I seriously doubt these things will resonate with anyone else. I’m clearly more sophisticated and enlightened than other people, especially the women on this dating site. If, by some slim chance, there is a woman out there who has noticed sunrises, sunsets and stars at night and who is a total hipster like me and is young and hot, I might be interested in more than one date with her, if she is lucky.
I am very young for my chronological age. I recently asked about 20 women, to guess the age….average response was 41. The most recent relationship, she was 33. Just so you know….you may get compared to her (just kidding…sorta)
Translation: I’m totally lying about the little “poll” of my “women friends” that I’ve described. First, what kind of person would ask a bunch of women how old they look and expect them to tell the truth? Second, who guesses “41”??!! I mean, people guess things like “early-40’s” or “mid-50’s”…. no one puts an exact number on another person’s age. Give me a break! The real story is that I joined this cult and discovered how awesome and good looking I am when I started fucking a 33 year old chick who is also in the cult. Then I left my wife, who wasn’t young and gorgeous and skinny any longer, for the 33 year old. Things didn’t work out with her, plus my 32 year old daughter was not supportive of the relationship, but that isn’t going to stop me from pursuing young women, hello….! Why not? I’m very impressed with how I look, so impressed that I believe that I deserve….nay, am entitled to be with a MUCH younger woman. Who is, of course, gorgeous and above all, skinny. And, mostly, I want you to know up front that I’m totally hung up on the 33 year old….. not the actual person, but the fact that she was pretty and young and now that I know I’m entitled to be with hot, young chicks, I’m always going to be on the lookout for them, even if I’m out with you, which is fine because I warned you up front.
And just so you know: The divorce will be final within the month…..and is good with that, took alot of effort, but worth it in the end….
Translation: And just so you know: I’m a TOTAL DOUCHEBAG. Yes, I totally lied about being divorced already, but that is because I need to hook up with a new young chick ASAP before I remember that I’m not, in fact, 41 or as good-looking and interesting as the 33 year old made me feel. Plus, even though my wife just left me six months ago — right after she refused to join the cult and then found out about the 33 year old — my marriage has been over forever, so it’s not like I’m on the rebound or in any kind of emotional turmoil at all. I’m totally not, my thinking is completely rational. The 33 year old? Old news. We broke up yesterday (again) but it’s FINAL this time (unless she wants to fuck again). And just so you know: I’m not really 5’10. I’m 5’7″ and a half, but I took a poll of my women friends and they all guessed 5’8″, so I rounded up. Plus everyone knows that women search online profiles for “divorced” men who are “over 5’8” and I wouldn’t want to limit my chances with hot, young chicks just because I told the truth, obviously. Did I mention it’s all about me? It is.
Here’s the thing: I’m not making a word of this up.
This is an actual profile intro on match.com.
What an ass. Seriously. I’m guessing he didn’t ask his 20 women friends to read this profile before he posted it, because even if they are delusional about his age (which I doubt) there is no way a sane woman would read this profile intro and think “this guy sounds really interesting…. and he’s such a good writer….”
But, here’s the BEST PART…
I “favorited” this guy’s profile as soon as I read it, of course — I mean, how could I resist? This is so blatantly offensive that I had to make sure I could find him again in order to skewer him in my blog.
And then he winked at me.
I sooooooooooo want to send him a link to this post.
But I won’t. Only because I’m afraid the people at match might not think I’m as funny as I think I am (like that would ever happen…) and they might ban me from the site for life and I would lose access to all this awesome material + potential dates…. 🙂