Online Dating 101: Don’t Be Pathetic.

[First, I want you to know that I’m writing this from my iPad and it’s been a long and fucking frustrating day with no internet access and WordPress being bizarre. So the formatting could be weird and there is no cute image.]

It always shocks me when people seem to think that certain social rules (like, oh, politeness) apply in the online dating twilight zone.


Rude is the new polite.

And questioning other people’s rudeness makes you (a) totally rude and (b) pathetic.

Exhibit A: Newsflash Bob

BACKGROUND: My profile says I’m 46 (I am) and that I’m 5’7″ (I am) and that I’m interested in men who are 45-58 (this changes) who are at least 5’10” tall (this doesn’t change) and who live in a certain geographical area.

Why the height specification? Because I know what I’m attracted to. Yes, I’ve been attracted to less-tall men, but those were specific extraordinary circumstances. I’m not saying less-tall men are any less attractive, they are NOT. I just don’t want to be their GIANT girlfriend.

Anyway. About Bob. (I guess Bob is going to be my generic name for online dudes, until I think of a better, more fitting one.)

First, Match told me that Bob saw me in his “Daily 5″ and was interested. So I took a look at his profile.

Heavy sigh.

Bob says he is 61, but looks much closer to 71. Bob is 5’6” and Bob lives a billion miles away (or a couple hundred miles, either way, he’s outside of my “geographical area of interest”). Of particular concern is that Bob seems to have a lot of dogs that are (a) taller than him, and (b) more intelligent than him, in a deviant way. None of these things are total deal breakers though. So I read his profile.

*HELLO* deal breaker.

Bob, it turns out, writes like a serial killer. I hate to keep using the “serial killer” theme, but it just works. Here’s a snippet of his profile:

HELLO! DID not know BACK in the day nor NOW! what criteria is most important….. Are YOU an educated, strong, witty, feminine women with her own sense of STYLE…?…!…? I LOOK forward to hearing from you…!…!…!…!!!


Then, of course, Bob winks at me.

A couple days later, Bob writes me an excruciatingly long message (NOTE: first messages should never be long, EVER)

Here’s a short excerpt from the message:

Out of your 1362 emails, please READ Mine…! YES I’ll say/ask anything to get an email read…..weeeeeelllll not anything…. But I do hope you take a chance & read my email….I’d LIKE that! Some HOW you popped up in my Daily 5 I found your profile interesting & feel we may share similar interests WHEN trying to figure out which of the roads to explore at each intersection…on the adventures THAT lay AHED! Some RANDOM….. THOUGHTS & sort of things (?)….that we may share and enjoy together! Walking & hiking with my (OUR) dogs…would that

(that is how it ended…?)

Again. WTF?

First, to the trained eye (i.e., MINE) it is obvious that this is Bob’s attempt to make a form letter look like it isn’t a form letter.

Second, Bob writes like a serial killer.

And, finally, Bob is obviously trying to manipulate me into adopting his tall, deviant looking dogs. No thank you, *Bob*.

So, in keeping with online dating etiquette, I ignore Bob’s message.

Bob, however, doesn’t understand how all this works (probably because he is 80 and new to the internet) and becomes somewhat perturbed by my failure to respond.

So he sends this little ray of sunshine message — a full 12 days after the first message.

HELLO recovering extrovert….NEWS flash…!!!!!

[note: in my profile I say something about being a recovering extrovert to highlight the fact that I’m practically a shut-in, of course.] Hi … Stop the presses….and you can stop the 12-step meetings…From my experience…you’ve fully recovered from resembling an extrovert…!…!…!…! Hopefully….YOU’LL prove me wrong

Now Bob has gone too far. “News flash”??

Here’s a newsflash, motherfucker:


Today is your lucky day. YES. I’m writing you, but don’t start CELEBRATING yet.

The thing is, Bob, your attempt to manipulate me into writing you via the use of a snarky “NEWSFLASH” annoyed the shit out of me and, although I generally stay on the high road in these situations, I’m afraid you’ve lured me down to your level.


Here’s a *newsflash* for you Bob:


When a woman doesn’t respond to your indications of interest (a wink, a message, another snippy message….) it isn’t because she is being rude, it is because she ISN’T FUCKING INTERESTED.

If I were nothing but a rude bitch, as you imply, I would’ve responded to your first indecipherable message with something like this:

Old Dude —


How dare you clog up my inbox with your pathetic attempt at making a poorly written form letter look like some kind of personal message. If you had read my profile, you would know that you are NOWHERE NEAR what I’m looking for in age, body type or geographical area.


I have no idea what it is that you think we have in common.


For one thing, I’m not attracted to men whose “dress” pants sit up under their nipples. My great-grandfather wore his pants like that when he was like 97 and cute. You’re not cute. Put your pants where normal people wear them for the love of God.


For another thing, you write like a serial killer, Bob. Have you ever read anything about serial killers? Seen any movies (those newfangled things they show at the theater?) about serial killers? They all do weird shit with capitalization and punctuation, Bob and they just fucking LOVE ellipses…


Finally, I like dogs, but your dogs are weird as shit and I’m super freaked out that you’re wanting to *share* them with me. They look like they are taller than you, Bob and I see a little deviance in their eyes. And if those are your “children” (the middle-aged adults with the glassy eyes and drugged out droopy faces) with you and the dogs in that picture I’m even more concerned. The dogs are deviant and they are the most alert looking sentient beings in your photos. Don’t write me again or I will notify the authorities of the whereabouts of you and your scary little “clan”…


And I didn’t want to hurt your ellipses-loving FEELINGS, so I did the nice, polite and proper thing and I didn’t write to you at all.

Then you got all snarky “NEWSFLASH!” on me for no apparent reason and now look what happened.

I’ve had to use you as an example of bad shit that happens when people start acting pathetic in the online dating world.

The lesson here, Bob, is that when a person doesn’t respond to your online overtures of interest, that IS your response. Move on and stop embarrassing absolutely everyone.




[the *extra-bitchy* in today’s post is brought to you by “the internet is fucking down” and “3g is slow” and “WordPress is trying to ruin my entire life!!” and “how the fuck do you format posts on the iPad?” and my period. :)]


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