Remember when I felt kind of bad for trashing that guy’s profile? Never Mind.


Remember when I trashed that “I’ve found myself and I’m impressed + I’m gonna compare you to my 33 y.o. ex-girlfriend, just so you know…” guy and then I was all “Oh man, maybe I shouldn’t be anonymously trashing people’s online dating profiles, that’s not nice.” and then I was all “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m on a mission from God” ?

Well.  That guy (who, as you recall, winked at me last week)(and we all know how I feel about *winking*…) wrote me a message.  And by “wrote me a message” I mean he strung some letters together in a way that made it seem like he was trying to communicate something, but I’m not sure what.

For the record: I don’t feel sorry for him anymore, at all.

Here’s what he wrote:

Hiab. Great photo and impressive….bobby*
Important Note:  My “username” on match has nothing to do with the word “Hiab” or “b” or “ab” or “H” and my profile doesn’t say that I’m 33, it says I’m 46, which happens to be the god awful truth.

I feel like he is the one fucking with me, now.

Which is *totally* unacceptable.
Dear Bobby,
So sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond —  I’m super-busy with electro-shock therapy to address my dating related (where are the good guys, Bobby?!) depression and, well, it took me awhile to fully dig into and digest your message. 
 I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a speed reader, Bobby.
I must admit to being a bit baffled — when I first noticed your profile (two weeks ago?) you were divorced and 53 years old and, unfortunately, delusional.  Now you are not-divorced and 55, but still delusional.  At least there is some consistency in your life.  Which is more than can be said for a lot of people, right Bobby?  There’s a “plus”…
The thing is, I *totally* understand delusion, Bobby.  Sometimes it is just easier than reality. 
Plus, it sounds like you are surrounded by delusional “women friends”  (Or imaginary “women friends” – either way, I don’t think they are helping anything)  The thing that concerns me the most about them is that they guessed you were exactly, on-the-dot 41.  What?  I’ve seen your 4 identical pictures (yes, two are in b/w, but they are the same exact picture) and if I were delusional (which happens, Bobby, I’m not going to lie) I would guess you were 46.3, but I’m not delusional (right now) and judging from your picture, and the fact that you said you were 53 and now you say that you are 55, I’m going to guess that you are not a day under 58. 
And that is being generous.
As was the 33 year old confused cult-girlfriend you USED to have. 
I’m guessing she told you that she couldn’t believe you were a day over 33 on account of how much you two had in common and the fact that you were the best lover she ever had. I’m right, aren’t I Bobby?
I want you to hear this, Bobby, because it’s going to help you in the long run:
To say anything else would be counter-productive, Bobby. 
I’m not saying she was lying.  She probably wasn’t lying at that very moment (you know, the one right after the great sex but before she realizes that you’re still married and your daughter is her age and you’re just leasing that fancy sportscar)  But just because a 33 year old thinks you’re her soulmate and the best lover ever (during the time period wherein you are both cult members) doesn’t mean you are *actually* 33.
I’m sorry, but it’s just the truth.
So when you say in your profile “I’m going to compare you to my 33 year old ex- girlfriend, just so you know” the message is really “I’m a total douchebag, just so you know, and I’m 58 but age doesn’t matter when it comes to me, it only matters when it comes to you, and if you’re not 33 I may hang out with you, but you’ll never really be good enough for me.”
It’s not a good message, Bobby-o.
And neither is the one you sent to me today.
Normally your delusions wouldn’t bother me, but when you sent me a personal message addressing me as “Hiab” you crossed a line, Bobby.
This is a Hiab:
 I am not a big orange crane, as I think you know.  And I resent your use of the term “Hiab” to refer to me.  I have feelings, Bobby, unlike big orange crane machines.  Who hardly ever do.
And as for the rest of your “message”?  What. The. Fuck.
What photo is great?  What is impressive?  My big orange crane claws? 
Why even bother writing anything if that is all you can come up with?  Especially when you’re following up a fucking wink…  Hellooooooo the wink let me know you thought I was fuckable based solely on my profile picture, you’re not covering any “new ground” here with the non-message you sent.
Oh and just so you know, Bob, I wouldn’t fuck you even if you *were* 33, or 41, or 53, 55 or 58 (which is probably your real age) (not that it matters, the point is you’re a total dick) and I’m basing that statement solely on the total douchebag-ness that is your profile and the waste of time and space that was your “message” to me.
Which in unfortunate for you, Bobby, because while I may not be a speed-reading orange crane with massive claws, I’m a GREAT fuck.
There.  Now I feel better.


*  his name isn’t “Bobby” — but it is something with a “y” on the end, and two consonants in the middle, and…. 🙂

p.s.  I don’t really think Landmark Education is a cult, I just like to fuck with my best-girl Irene who has been trying to recruit me get me to do it for YEARS.