So there I was, obsessively sifting through online profiles of unsuspecting men who happen to live within 200 miles of me, hoping to find either true love or someone to humiliate on my blog (or both, naturally) when Mr. “Attension to Detail” (hereinafter “Bob”) sent me a virtual wink.
I kind of feel sorry for him, honestly.
Which means I feel sorry for him in the exact same way that I feel a little twinge of sorry for the religious zealot who shows up at my door with a pamphlet and and no idea that I’m actually Satan. In the flesh. [insert fake smile] Which is to say, of course, that I don’t feel sorry for him at all, because I didn’t ask him to choose to identify himself as Mr. Ironically Misspelled Headline and to then make his headline even more ridiculous by writing this:
I am easy going and someone that lives life.I like to have fun no matter what i am doing even at work.I am the person who can fix anything and don’t need to call the guy, I am The Gay. Looking for someone that wants to make life an adventure not a chore.Looking for someone that likes to go on motorcycle rides,Camping,Vegas,anywhere there is a beach,and just hang out.I can make any situation fun and can be serious when need be.Also I like to build things out of Metal.You dream it i can build it.I have no baggage just luggage.Lets make this are first adventure together.
Dear Bob,I don’t know how to fully explain the emotional rollercoaster you have put me through today, but I’m going to try, which is all anyone can do in this life, right?When I first became aware of your indication of interest, I was all “Oh look, a man who lives in my state and isn’t 72 and/or wearing overalls in his profile picture is showing me some attention!” This was followed up with confusion because, as I’m sure you know (or maybe you don’t, which I’m starting to doubt) sending someone a wink online is super passive-aggressive and could mean anything at all, Bob, even something sinister.Let me explain. One time I had a
one night standbrief relationship with a guy who, as it turns out, was completely psychotic and I’m not even making that part up, he really was. I know that because I’m kind of an expert at internet research and I tend to check out stories people tell me about things like how they have a criminal record, but that it is totally unjustified because the police completely overreacted and they were unjusty prosecuted all because they barely threatened their ex-mother-in-law (with a loaded weapon) in front of the grocery store, which they wouldn’t have even thought of doing if she hadn’t been stalking them and trying to kill them, with her mind.Anway. Bob. None of that happened exactly as he described it, obviously, so I got scared and stopped responding to his incessant calls/emails/IM’s and texts. I was hoping he would get the hint and back off, but, as you know, that kind of reasonable behavior doesn’t sit well with psychos, plus I am really good at sex and he wanted more, so he switched up his game and started calling/emailing/IM-ing and texting me about the (probably imaginary) naked pictures of me that he said he had taken with the (probably imaginary) spy camera that he had purchased so he would have evidence of his ex-mother-in-law’s (probably imaginary) attempts to kill him, with her mind. You know, the pictures that I couldn’t be totally sure didn’t exist…. Then he promised he would probably not post the probably imaginary pictures on the internet if I would just meet with him one more time to talk about “us”.This actually happened, Bob.I finally had to take drastic measures to block all avenues of communication with him. Then, several years later, I innocently put a profile up on match.com and guess who “winked” at me about 5 minutes thereafter? YES, Mr. Psychotic With Probably-Imaginary-Naked-Pictures! And, Bob, I’m pretty sure his “wink” wasn’t the “Oh hey, I think you’re pretty!” type wink. It was more along the lines of “Oh hey bitch, I’m still around and I’ve still got those pictures, just so you know. Good luck!”Anyway, Bob, all I’m saying is that a wink can mean anything and I’m starting to wonder what exactly yours meant.I’m usually a pretty good judge of character and my sense is (after seeing your profile picture wherein you look somewhat dodgy and paranoid just sitting there on your little motorcycle in your garage, which is entirely closed up and appears to be neatly organized and unnaturally clean, which probably means that (a) you took the picture from your secret garage spy camera, and (b) you do things in your garage that you don’t want people to know about, including power washing your victim’s blood off the walls, for one thing, and obsessing over your little motorcyle, for another) that you didn’t mean well, and that certainly destroyed any enthusiasm I had about being noticed, Bob.But then I saw your headline — “Attension to Detail” — and thought “What a clever play on words! This guy couldn’t possibly be a serial killer, he’s funny!” and I was all excited again.Imagine my disappointment, Bob, when I realized, shortly thereafter, that not only was it highly unlikely that you intentionally misspelled “attention” in order to make a clever little “play on words” type headline, you also seem to be completely unfamiliar with the most basics rules of the English language. I’m talking about things like spelling, punctuation and capitalization, Bob, not to mention using language to convey meaning. And that made me feel bad. Not for judging you based on how you write (please….) but bad about the fact that your writing is so, well, bad. Oh, and about how now it’s pretty clear that you’re probably a serial killer, Bob. Not cool.Then I saw that you’re The Gay and that you like to build things with Metal. Huge. Fucking. Relief. I finally know who The Gay is! So, even though the whole “I like to build things out of Metal” is probably just more circumstantial evidence of your reign of terror as The Gay serial killer, I think something good can come from this whole “winking” encounter after all, which I’m sure makes you feel less bad about your previous threatening actions online, right Bob?Win/win.To that end, I’ve enclosed a picture of a chastity belt that I would like you to make out of metal, preferably finished with a shiny pink enamel, if it isn’t too much trouble.Why?Well, pink matches my cookie and I’m starting to think life would be less complicated if I could just refrain from having casual sex (or any sex, really) with psychotic and/or delusional and/or serial killer-type men who hold grudges (apparently) but everyone knows that I don’t have a lot of willpower sometimes, so that is where the pink metal chastity belt will come in — it will make me feel pretty, Bob, and it will probably save my life.Love,violetfemme65p.s. I think I will need at least 5 keys FOR EMERGENCIES, Bob…